Dracotic
by Shelna
Summary: Draco confessing to the reader about his upbringing, his stand in the War, being a Malfoy, and there was some mention of a secret, that was confessed and then not quite a secret. Slight slash.


Disclaimer: Non of these characters are mine.

A/n: What can I say? I've got Draco on my mind.

A series of draconic incidents.

'Draco'. It means dragon. I have always liked my given name. Even if it was my great grandfathers.

I used to be proud of being a Malfoy. Part of me still is. I'm proud of belonging to a family with such a proud history, and such an impact in our community. I'm proud of being wealthy with class, and I am proud of my characteristic blond hair and pale skin. I am proud of being my mothers son, even if I may not always agree with her. Mother is a great person. An interesting person.

What I am not proud of, is being related to my father. Surely, it is a good thing that he is loyal to his lord. Of course I respect him for what he has done for you-know-who. Of course I do. No matter if I agree with their message or not.

No, that is not my problem with him. What makes me hate him so, is his unnecessary _cruelty._ Against anyone, even me. I don't believe anything good ever comes from hitting your children. I believe that, because all it did for my father was to make me hate him, and at first fear him. I am not afraid any more.

All my life, I have been my fathers son. That's all I ever was. No one questioned the fact that I would grow up to be just like him.

Well, I didn't. I some times wish that I had- it would have made things so much easier.

I don't really hate mudbloods. I couldn't care less about peoples blood, to be honest. But that is one of the things I have accepted I have to fake.

Or, when I say I don't hate mudbloods, I mean that I don't hate them _because_ they are mudbloods. But I do hate them. Like I hate muggles, halfbloods, and fullbloods, like myself. It's not the muggles or muggleborn I have a problem with- my hate lies with people in general.

Yeah, I know what you most be thinking. 'What have they ever done to you?' I'll tell you what they've done. The world hates me, so I hate them back. My family, and my fathers friends, would hate me for not agreeing with them. Most Hogwarts students hate me for being an arrogant, mean git, as they call me. And they would all hate me if they knew my other secret.

Upon discovering this about myself, I started looking into the muggle society's views on the matter. That is the main reason why I hate muggles- it would be one thing to accept that it is unheard of here, if it wasn't accepted in their world.

As a Malfoy, I am expected to have a certain life. I should get married and have children- a son. And if my father lives long enough, I will have to. Yet, I am not ashamed to be gay. It just causes problems.

Last summer I spent a week in the Leaky Cauldron, and one day I decided to take a walk through the muggle part of London. There I saw two boys around my age, sitting on a bench in a park, _kissing._ Like it was just kissing. For you, who have grown up with muggles, and are used to these kinds of muggle norms, you might want to roll your eyes and say 'so?'. This is a huge deal in the wizarding world. Two boys or girls are not heard of -all though I do not think there is a law against it -as it is generally looked upon as madness- but it is not.. done. Publicly, I mean. It has, of course, been practised in secret for as long as anyone can remember. But it is not _talked_ about.

As I said, I am not ashamed to be gay, but it causes some problems. Quidditch practise, to mention one. Showering with the other boys, when they are really sweaty, and it's no secret that most of us quidditch players are in rather good shape.

Still, that is not that much of a problem- stuck up Slytherin boys are not my type. I mean, we're wonderful, amusing, extremely clever and -so of us- dead sexy. Just because I am one, and has perfected that style, (because it is the way I _am_), does not mean that I am attracted to that kind of guys. Personal style and personal taste is two different things.

No, my problem, my biggest problem, even worse then the one of my father, is what _is_ my type. I like them slightly taller then me, dark haired and handsome. Being very gifted magically, is no turn off to me either. Here lies the source of my problem. Of all the guys in Hogwarts matching that description, guess which one I had to go and fall madly in love with.

From the first time I saw him, I knew he would have an impact on my life. Little did I know then, that that boy will most likely be the death of me. No, there is no 'most likely'. He will. He will be the death of me. He might kill me himself, with his own wand. I might be killed by the death eaters -possibly even by my own father- for having protected him. Or, if I fail in doing so, and he is killed, I doubt I could keep living. Damn, that is pathetic. See what I have to live with? Oh, what I wouldn't give to rib myself of these hideous feelings. I hate him, madly deeply, as much, I think, as I love him.

What good does it do me to be head over heals for him? It doesn't change that much. I will only end up dying for him, only for him to die not long after. Best case scenario, none of us die. That means their side win. If I'm not imprisoned, for actions during the War, even then, what can I hope for? A life watching him from afar, that's what. That would drive me even more out of my mind then I already am.

Still, there is a tiny voice in the back of my head that whispers of hope. Oh, how I hate that voice. It can not let me accept life as it is.

I have read, in a muggle magazine, that at least 5 of all people are at least bisexual. They said it was probably closer to 20, maybe twice that many. That people just don't realize it, simply because they don't think about it. Or because they do not want to admit it to themselves, or least of all others. I know I am good looking. I asked Pansy, as a joke, how likely it is for any girl to fall for me. She said it was about a 80 shot, so I'm assuming it's more like 40.

That means, that.. say it's a 10 chance of him being gay or bi. Then there is a 4 chance that he has fallen for me. 4. That's more then I let myself admit.

That also means, that for every hundred boys, four of them has fallen for me. _That_ is a thought I like. But then again, these numbers can't be accurate.

They simply can't- or at least I can not go around believing that they are. Because then, I might start to imagine things. Imagine actually _being with him_, and other ridicules ideas.

I want to stay by his side, as his friend. Not mock the ones he has now. Fight besides him in battles. Not to be the one he is fighting. I want to stay besides him, always, as his friend, on his side in war, and as his lover. But I hate wanting this. And not just because it can never be.

So this is what clutters my life. The thought of living and dying for the love of another person. Who would have guessed that this is the fate of a Malfoy.

But now you know.

Furthermore, I would like to inform you that six years in a castle with you is enough. And that I did not mean for this letter to end up being so personal.. I only wanted you to know why I did what I did. Why I have done what I have done.

Dumbledores death was not on my head. You must understand, that I had no choice in doing what I did concerning that. I know you know I was involved. It was our lives, or his. Not just my life, but _yours_ as well. I can not go into more details. But as you know, your death would pretty much mean that they had won, specially now that Dumbledore is gone..

And believe it or not, that is the last thing I want. For them to win, I mean.

I am rather proud of the spell I put on this letter- you are the only one that can read what it really says. To everyone else, it is just a death mark and the words 'you're next'. Don't even think the dark lord himself could have cracked the spell- it is one I made when I was just a young boy, to protect my journals. (Yes, I kept journals. There's nothing wrong with that.) It is so simple, that there is no way anyone would think of it.

I suppose what I'm trying to say, is.. well.. goodbye. Goodbye.

Until the last time I will see your face,

Draco Malfoy

_Harry looked up from the parchment, dumbstruck. _

_Unable to say a word, he shook his head. Internally cursing Draco and his bad timing, he wiped a tear off his cheek, that he hadn't even noticed coming._

"_Until the last time..." he thought, wiping another tear before it got out of his eye._

"_..goodbye."_


End file.
